2010 for 2011 Resolutions...

I've always thought making New Year's resolutions is a lame idea. But right now, on Dec 30th 2010 I find myself thinking about particular things I really want to achieve. So I'm going to write them down. Maybe it's a coincidence that I'm writing them down two days before the new year. But here they are...

*** I would like to take a 3D Max course as the first step towards building my interior design education/experience.

*** I would like to write something more major than a blog post once every three months. Let's be realistic - it probably won't be a novel but... several short stories would be nice. Let's shoot for ten.

*** I would like to see my parents settling their real estate issue with my cousin and aunt. I'll do what I can to help them. I would also like to see myself settling my own real estate issue with my cousin. I put this under the same bullet because the two issues are hopelessly intertwined and they both make me feel the same way - dreadful and wanting it all to be over once and for all.

*** I would like to build a website and put my photography work out there and I don't know why it's been so fucking difficult for me to do this. I don't mean technically difficult. I mean I don't know what I want to accomplish with this website and thus I don't know what I want it to look like. So I guess my resolution is to figure out why I want my work out there and what I want to accomplish with it being out there. Also I would really like to see myself work on a particular photography project instead of inconsistently and aimlessly shoot mediocre amateur whateverness.

*** I would like to get a mannequin and take pictures of my jewelry and put it on etsy even if I don't sell anything. I'd like to make more jewelry.

*** Now this one I don't know if I really want it but I feel like I have to do it - taking the Google AdWords Certification. I have time during this vacation to read and take the exam and I even have enough money in the bank to pay for it and still have some left to keep paying my loan.

*** And last but not least, I should probably have a resolution related to my current job - the job that takes up my whole fucking entire time but the job where people are nice and so far there is not a single person I dread going to work because of. Okay, my job related resolution is to start feeling more at ease around my bosses. Also I'd like to be myself in general but neither my crazy self, nor my reserved self; I'd like to be the cool and aspiring-to-normalcy self, the one that can be both professional and naturally friendly to people, the poised, confident self I haven't seen myself be since I don't remember when. Remember - people want you to succeed. They don't want you to fail. It'll be okay if they see a sudden but positive change in you. But most of all - you should try and remember every day that what people think doesn't and shouldn't mean a flying fuck to you.

****** And my last resolution for THIS year - to have fun on New Year's Eve. Do my best. Seriously. Please try. Thank you. (01.01.2011 Update - I had fun last night! :) )

Oh and one last but very important thing - a self-explanatory non-resolution but a lifestyle, a commitment I need to practice EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE - be kind to your parents and grandmother. A lot of people say that family is the most important thing. There are so many things about myself I want to accomplish but a part of me tells me that these people may be right.   

A REAL job after 3.5 years. -Pathetic? --Maybe. -Happy? --Yes!

I think I just got a REAL job.

I start the day after tomorrow.

Could've started right away but said I had some things to take care of tomorrow. Which is essentially true because I need a couple of days to psychologically prepare myself. I know it sounds retarded to many people but I'm sure in fact a lot of people would need and benefit from this kind of mental preparation before they dive into a new job.

I haven't had a REAL job since June 2007. Today is December 2010. You do the math (well I think I just did the math in the title so never mind).

I had a semi-real job from November 2007 to April 2008 when I worked full-time MWF which equated to a regular part-time job as a front desk receptionist. During that time I hated my life, cried every night (and sometimes during the day in the restroom at work), failed a class, and had major back problems. 

I had another semi-real job from April 2008 to June 2008. I was an intern at a well-established organization, working 4 hours a day 5 days a week. During that time I didn't hate my life - in fact I even had fun - but the internship was over before I knew it and later when I graduated they didn't want to hire me anymore - because they were downsizing, they said, but in truth because I didn't impress them enough (or at all, except maybe with my passivity and being 10 minutes late every day) when I had the chance. 

I focused on successfully finishing my master's between June 2008 and November 2008, while my fellow students were working full-time jobs AND attending 3-hour long evening classes. 

I decided I'd give myself a "well-deserved" break in December 2008. I partied, spent my last savings, fell in love, spent Christmas in Miami. 

 

2009 and 2010 are a blur I still can't comprehend. So many "why"s and "what happened"s. The main things I can think of when I think about 2009 and 2010 are my laptop, many TV shows, a warm room, a cold house, low energy levels (don't like the word "depression"), and poverty. The second line of things include random jobs that hardly helped paying some bills, worrying about credit cards and loans, financially depending on my mom, adjusting to life in my homeland where I came back after living abroad for 7 years, real estate issues (still unresolved), my parents' health. On the third line there are more pleasant things such as making new friends, getting out of the low-energy-state and actually starting to care about having a nice haircut and wearing decent clothes instead of dragging my raggy ass around as if I'm a homeless person.

So I start this REAL job on Thursday. You know I'm all about the vibe and the people and this place has a good vibe and so do the people. I have many fears. Mostly related to getting along with the others. But this is the topic of another post. For now I'm off taking care of things I'd like to take care of before I start being busy all day long. Because having a REAL job for me is kind of like not having time for ANYTHING else. I wish I was one of those multi-tasking, super energetic machine-like people. But I'm not. So I have to do with what I have. 

Sprained ankle, lost gig and no opposite-sex date for tonight but that's okay

Okay, things are not splendid but at least are clearer now: Called the coordinator of the photo festival and asked her where and when they're gonna need me today (after I couldn't show up yesterday after severely spraining my foot/ankle the day before but assuring them I will be available today). She said her supervisor decided to let me go completely and asked some other guy to take the guests around. So in that sense things are clearer and I put “photo festival” off of my calendar for today, tomorrow and the day after. When I hung up the phone, I asked myself “isn’t this what you wanted to begin with?”

So the opening is later today at the B-house gallery; then there are more gallery exhibitions and then dinner at the G-Club (which I love, btw). I called Evan hoping that he might be my “date” for the evening but the flake skipped town after promising me to meet today. He attempted a stupid joke on the phone and things got even worse. I don’t think he realizes that he hurts me by showing me time and time and again how little I mean to him. And this is ALL as a friend. I’ve never been romantically interested in him, not even when I wrote that STUPID postcard saying that I loved him. Of course I love him but as a friend. I’m not in love with him and I never have been and probably I never will be. I was just lonely back then. Really lonely. As lonely as I had never been before, and I hadn’t yet learned to cope with my loneliness without involving other people in my own drama and without longterm consequences. Now at least I think I know better.

 

And just to be completely clear, I’ve never been sexually interested in him either. Not even when I asked him (several times - HUMILIATING) to show me his dick when we were sitting in some car – Evan in the driver’s seat, me – shotgun, and Alex on the back seat. I think it was some cool rental, or some nice pickup truck (yes, a pickup truck with a back seat), behind the duplex we lived in at the time, but how we got our hands on it – I don’t remember. I just remember it was pretty humiliating to beg my good friend of many years to show me his penis in the sketchy darkness of someone else's car, and I remember sounding like a desperate crazy person. No wonder Evan avoids me. Not to mention all the socially awkward moments – literally hundreds of them over the years. No wonder he doesn’t invite me anywhere he goes with other people. Sometimes I just wish that life would already be over so I can be done with this alienation once and for all. But a part of me keeps hoping that some day I’ll finally be strong enough to change the exterior of my personality and fit more social quality in my life.  

It just never seizes to infuriate me the hypocrisy of it all. I mean – even if you are a truly nice person on the inside, unless you’re a truly socially adequate person on the outside, people will be weary of hanging out with you and inviting you places. But if you’re socially adequate, even if you’re the biggest psycho on the planet, people are still going to enjoy your company. The bottom line is – people would prefer socially well-versed psychos to socially awkward nice people ANY FUCKING DAY OF THE YEAR. I know I have to accept this, and even use it to my advantage in order to change my situation but it just makes me angry every time. I hope I’ll soon have the “serenity to accept” it…

Update (a few awesome hours later):

Amazing evening! Totally worth it. (For now. Unless my foot gets enormous and explodes.) 

Socially preferred

Emotional freedom isn't something you can achieve with a snap of your fingers. If you're emotionally trapped, you need not only will and time, but also a little bit of luck, to get out of the trap.

I've been emotionally trapped many times before.

Now I've been emotionally free for over a year, and it feels GREAT. I feel stronger when I'm single. When I'm with someone, or getting over someone, I feel weaker, I feel as if I'm giving up a part of who I am, I feel suffocated. When I'm single, I am ME. And it's the best you can be.

However.

However, people take you more seriously when you're with someone. When you show up at a social function, or a cultural event, arm in arm with a respectably looking opposite-gendered individual, people take you ten times more seriously than if you showed up alone or with one of your same-sex friends. Being with someone shows you're dependable. Stable. Worth sticking around, somehow. And the perks don't stop there. When people think about you as a COUPLE, they tend to think about inviting you to their own events more often. Especially other married and committed people. Think about it: A couple - man and woman. At a gallery opening. And me. Alone. We meet there. We chat. I'm closer with the guy because we met before, at another function, and we clicked. As friends. Then I meet his wife or girlfriend at the said gallery opening. If I'm ALONE, his wife might see me as a threat. And might want him to not hang out with me even if she likes me as a person. BUT. If I'm arm in arm with a handsome guy, she will NOT ONLY NOT feel threatened, but next time she has a get-together at their place and is wondering WHICH COUPLES to invite, one of the first couple she will think of, will be US - me and my handsome supposedly-boyfriend. Then I NOT ONLY get a chance to be more socially involved and accepted, but I ALSO get a LICENSE to hang out with committed men without being seen as a threat.

So I'm thinking I need a boyfriend. Lets be clear - I don't WANT one; I NEED one. We don't even need to be together in real life. Just socially together for the sake of social and cultural inclusion and acceptance.

Yes, it sucks to not be able to be who you are. But if society is going to play games with you, you can play games with society.