Three months after the last post I'm in Poland, for "work", which includes sleeping, eating, driving around, grocery shopping for 6 tough guys, some cooking attempts, sex (with only one of them!), intimacy, disappointments and happiness, chronically sore throat, low immune system, delivering fuel, occasional stressful days on which I actually really have to get some work done, among other things.

I had been waiting for Poland to happen since April. Now it's finally happening! It's been happening for a month. And I can't feel it. I can't comprehend it. I can't fully enjoy it. What's the matter with me.

I want to be healthy; I'm not. I try to be useful.

He thinks I'm a good person. Is this enough for me? I wanna be seen.

The moments when I feel hurt I say to myself "You're here on a salary." And I pray, even though I'm not religious.

Objectively speaking, everything is fucking amazing! It's my attitude that makes everything duller and grayer than it is.

 

This job sucks.

Was I fired? ... Was I let go? ... Was it mutual consent? ... Did I quit? ... Or am I still employed?

I think right now I'm still employed, but tomorrow it'll turn out that I have been let go a month ago, due to mutual consent (!?), after I quit a few days ago....... What !?!?!?! 

Only in Bulgaria. 

What adverb defines the situation where my "on-the-side" job takes up 12 hours of my day?

Ironic? Ridiculous? (Oxy)moronic?

Seriously though.

I think telling myself that this job is an on-the-side thing is a coping mechanism for me to 1) accept it, and 2) not go crazy about getting up at 6am and coming home at 6pm and having my mind become so robotized that I forget my life goals and dreams in the process.

I can't help myself but argue with everyone who dares tell me that this is normal. And you know what, if I say it's not normal for me, then it's not normal for me.